When I Grow Up

When I grow up I want to be a homicide detective. I would be great at it! I'm intelligent. I can spot lies. People want to tell me things. I would be a kickass interrogator. I can see me now. Wearing a sensible but flattering pant suit, asking all the hard questions, getting confessions when no one else can, finding that elusive lead. But, wait, it's not like I can just walk in and get a job as a homicide detective, right ?! I would have to start as a regular patrol officer and work my way up over YEARS. Also, let's face it, I cry at the drop of a hat. I would cry at every family notification, half the crime scenes, and probably in the middle of a hardass interrogation.

Sooooooo, when I grow up I want to be . . .

A ninja.  I look amazing in black and those little slippers are probably really comfortable. I would secretly infiltrate the most secure compound, incapacitate all the henchmen, and take out the evil gang boss without making a sound. I would get to have all those cool throwing stars and other silent weapons in my special sash 'o' secret pockets. Awesome. But wait, it takes a lifetime of self-discipline to become a ninja. All that training with monks in isolated, mountain temples. I don't even have the discipline to resist a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.  As for moving silently, I kind of have a stompy walk. Really, I should have started working on this when I was orphaned at the age of six- if I had been orphaned at the age of six- which I wasn't.

So, when I grow up I want to be . . .

A pirate. And not one of those modern day, diesel powered pirates but the good old-fashioned, swash-buckling, ship-sailing kind. I'll need the boots that come way up then fold down and a big coat with shiny buttons. And, of course, the shirt with the lacy collar and cuffs. I will be an expert swordswoman and the scourge of the seven seas. I will have a remote tropical island to hide all my booty and I will give no quarter (whatever that means). Nevertheless, I will be a gentlewoman pirate. I will treat all hostages with gentility and keep them in the finest cabin. I will . . I will . . I will probably not be a pirate, will I? I have never piloted a boat bigger than a dinghy and I'd probably get seasick. I'd most likely stab myself in the foot with a rapier. And when it comes to making people walk the plank, I'd be right back to the whole crying thing. Fine.

When I grow up, I want to be old and have stuff.