Not Cool

I would really like to be cool. I spend time trying to determine which aspects of my personality qualify me for coolness and which detract from that qualification. It presents difficulties. I can never be entirely sure that my determinations are correct. Considering something cool or uncool can be very subjective. So, one can add to my apprehension about my overall cool status the fear that I am not interpreting the data correctly.

For example, I happen to think that liking a lot of BBC shows is cool while someone else may view this same information as "weird" or "boring". And immediately, we come up against the crux of the matter. Who is the final arbiter of cool? Is it Justin Bieber? Must I think in each instance - would Justin find this cool? Or is Dan Rather the authority? Which would significantly alter the interpretation. It is a quandary.

Furthermore, I have to factor in my age in terms of my ability to identify coolness. Am I working from an outmoded set of data? What was considered unimpeachably cool when I was fourteen is not necessarily going to make the grade by today's standards. Obviously, I have the wherewithal to recognize that fads of those bygone days would not retain their coolness. I won't walk out of the door tomorrow with a row of Swatch watches on each arm, sporting a pair of parachute pants, and expect to be hailed as the epitome of cool. But, is The Cure still cool? They've got to be somehow. I mean, Robert Smith. Cool.

It has got to be cool to wear black the majority of the time. Cool, right? Not unimaginative or lacking in vision. Tattoos. Definitely cool. Definitely? Piercings? How on earth can I possibly find an accurate system by which to measure this elusive quality? I guess it really doesn't matter anyway. I have been informed by the highest authority - a teenage girl- that calling someone or something "cool" is only done when being sarcastic. The term "cool" is no longer cool. I am so screwed.