Public Pajama Wearing

In a world filled with alarming trends, I find one in particular to be not alarming at all and simply annoying. So, that is where I prefer to keep my focus. I speak of course of the frequency with which women of today wear pajamas outside of the house. There are very few public places that are immune from the invasion of the pajama wearing type. I have viewed them at the grocery store and the gas station. I have seen them waiting for the bus and strolling along the boulevards. Where was the line and when did we cross it? I understand the temptation to do a 1:00 AM ice cream run in ones fleece pants and Eeyore t-shirt but, to date, I have never presented myself before the shrine of Ben and Jerry without a bra on and real shoes. I wonder if what is missing for these pajama people are simply some key facts.

Fact: Despite the word “pants” being included in the term “pajama pants”, they are not to be considered actual pants. Items that could be considered covered by the word “pants” would be more along the lines of trousers, jeans, capris, or, possibly, culottes. When we consider the term “pajama pants”, it is important to note that “pajama” serves as an adjective describing the type of pants in question. Pajamas are a type of clothing which is worn while sleeping. Hence, “pajama pants” does not refer to clothing one wears to go visit Aunt Louise at the nursing home.

Fact: No female over the age of seven looks attractive or even cute in pajama pants, regardless of that female’s size or shape. I receive the impression at times that certain women believe it is adorable to appear in public wearing fuzzy pants emblazoned with a repeated Tinkerbell pattern. Untrue. Furthermore, beyond a certain age, a woman should refrain from attempting to look cute or adorable and focus on being viewed as confident and competent. Or at least smoking hot and dead sexy.

Fact: Slippers are not designed to withstand the elements. If you listen to your grandmother talk, you may even hear them referred to as “house slippers”. Many of the modern slippers are very fuzzy in design and may even have more in common with a stuffed animal than an actual shoe. In choosing to wear slippers of this type out into the world, one is polluting their plushiness with grime, bacteria, and other unpleasant elements. Slippers of the indicated variety are particularly adept at absorbing and retaining all the nasty stuff one finds in a gas station parking lot.

Fact: The set of circumstances in which nipples are attractive is limited. I may be making assumptions on this one but I am not afraid to call it a fact anyway. [Corrections provided by my male readers on this subject will be politely ignored.] I am in no way denying the value of nipples in certain contexts. Nevertheless, when one is at the drugstore picking up feminine hygiene products, there should be no nipples in evidence. Your average t-shirt depicting a unhappy looking kitten embellished with the phrase “I am NOT a morning person” is not an appropriate showcase for the nipple.

            I hope I have assisted those who possess any misconceptions concerning when and where to sport ones pajamas. If you require further clarification on the subject, I refer you to that grandmother who still says “house slippers”.