I think the time has come for a story about dumb vampires. I am unsure about when the vampire myth made the transition from the minds of men to literature but since the early 1800s we have been saddled with the cultured, charismatic vampire. What a pain in the neck! I am sick to death of the fascination with and romanticizing of the vampire. I think the legend of the vampire is ripe for a story of a tremendously stupid bloodsucker.
It shouldn’t be that difficult to imagine. Consider the common view of how someone becomes a vampire. After being bitten on the neck and drained of most but not all of one’s vital fluids, a person finds him or herself with an allergic-type reaction to sunlight and a bad case of dehydration. Sounds like a virus to me. I don’t know about you but a good dose of the flu makes me all wooly-headed and thick. I’m much more likely to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons than break into a person’s bedroom and start spouting Proust when I have a bad cold. It really isn’t much of a stretch to imagine vampirism making you all kinds of stupid. I think it is much more likely that vampires wear footie pajamas while clutching a box of Puffs than velvet tuxedos and capes. They would probably stalk you in the cold and flu aisle of the local drugstore rather than an exclusive gallery opening. It’s hard to be mesmerizing when you have crusties in the corners of your eyes and a runny nose. Vampires could prey on your sympathy for how lousy they fell rather than draw you in with their exotic sexuality. But, even that implies a certain level of cleverness for vampires that I am totally over.
I want a really, really stupid vampire. Seriously, irredeemably dumb. I want a vampire who accidently eats garlic bread and drinks holy water. A vampire who plans a vacation in equatorial Brazil and forgets the sunscreen. Maybe even a story about a vampire who faints at the sight of blood. A gang of vampires who plan to rob a blood bank but end up cleaning out a sperm bank instead. Dummies.
All I know is that I’ve had enough of vampires who, in spite of being parasitical, undead monsters, are still cooler, classier, and sexier than the humans they hunt. Someone please step up and write a story about the vampire equivalent of Homer Simpson and end the reign of the trendy vampire forever. Thank you.